Two major men’s festivals are taking place this summer; one in Belgium and one in the Netherlands. Where do they stem from? What is the point of them? And what are the risks? A reflection on men’s work, Woke, Andrew Tate and the road between.
In my adolescence, I struggled with being a man and with my sexual identity. I came from a family of four brothers, with my father largely absent. Until my college days, I felt insecure, had no clear idea about the concept of masculinity and felt awkward and searching in relationships to women and sexuality. It wasn’t until I came across the work of Robert Bly, the grandfather and pioneer of men’s work in the US, that a world opened up for me. I discovered that being a man was fun and fascinating, that ‘being a man’ was not a one-size-fits-all stereotype you had to live up to, that there are many types and flavours, and that every man travels his own path from boy to adulthood.
In a room with 400 other men in Minneapolis, where Robert Bly lived, there was drumming, laughing, dancing, storytelling and, like an old mentor, Robert Bly led me into the fascinating world of men. Until then, my sample of men had consisted purely of my father, who mostly sat behind the newspaper or watched football, other older men I could not identify with, and a male image that was no more than a stereotype. Men didn’t cry, had to be strong, had to be the breadwinner and the conqueror and others things that I really didn’t know how to deal with. What a relief it was for me to discover that masculinity meant so much more: wisdom, humour, relativity, multicolour, brotherhood, strength, sensitivity, etc. A world opened up to me.
I also began to understand that every man takes his own path in growing up from boy to man, and that my search for masculinity was part of my ‘initiation’. That it was okay to be insecure and searching and initially not quite knowing what to do with sexual desires. The puzzle later fell into place by itself.
When I read the book ‘The Wild Man’ by Robert Bly, the book that caused a big men’s movement in the US in the 1990s, I also understood that you don’t have to do that search process alone. That men can help, inspire, support and challenge each other in that fascinating search for your own identity. For me, the concept of masculinity was no longer a strange, stereotypical, dangerous, unknown, phenomenon, but an invitation to further inner exploration.
After returning from my trip through the US, I had not only found my identity as a man, but also my work: I started doing men’s work. I translated a first booklet by Robert Bly, ‘In Search of the Man’, organised my first men’s group and eventually became the pioneer of men’s work in the Netherlands and Belgium. This was not an easy or honourable task in the 1990s. It was laughed at and condescended to in the media and in society. ‘What – men coming together to talk, cry, share and dance? Don’t make me laugh!’ A number of scathing articles in the newspaper sapped my young enthusiasm. But in the lee I carried on, feeling how important it was that men could relate to others and themselves in a different, deepening way. I eventually wrote the book ‘The Return of the King, the book for men on love, lust and leadership,’ which became a bestseller and is still selling 30 years later. In it, I worked out a system of seven archetypes – king, warrior, lover, savage, lover, magician, jester and saint – in which everyone could find and recognise their own style and form of manhood. It more or less became the handbook for men’s work that began to grow in the following decades, and is booming in recent years. Apparently, whole tribes of young men are looking, as I was then, for what it means to be a man.
But, as it goes in history, a countermovement also arose. Due to the liberation of sexual and stereotypical gender roles, some preferred to jettison the concepts of man and woman altogether. The world became more woke and gained more understanding and respect for all other sexual types and tastes. In essence, the woke movement stemmed from the same drive for diversity and tolerance that I myself had experienced. But over time, the movement began to overshoot, by being less and less tolerant towards people who were ‘not that far yet’, or who held different viewpoints. The concepts of masculinity and femininity became increasingly diluted and disdained. A new coercive image of how we should behave emerged: Politically correct, no longer ‘man or woman’, but human. And so, masculinity seemed to become taboo again, just as it had been before, when I started my work.
In response to that, a new movement took place: men like Andrew Tate are lecturing young men that it’s okay to be proud of their masculinity, but instead of moving forward, they seem to take refuge in the old stereotype: Men have to conquer again, see women as possessions and hunting trophies, and put women back behind the kitchen counter and the pram. As a man, you need to be able to pat yourself on the back, pump yourself up into a tough version of yourself and become again the ‘predator’ we have lost. Andrew Tate himself was recently accused of rape and recruiting young girls for sex work via a webcam. Tate’s image of men seems to catapult men back to primeval times, rather than the richness and wisdom I had experienced in Robert Bly’s work.
It currently appeals to so many young people and men that it scares me. Added to this is the fact that the men’s movement à la Andrew Tate has a great resonance within a far-right political movement that appeals mainly to men. Whereas in previous generations there was no significant difference between the political views of men and women, we suddenly see a major shift among Generation Z: Whereas women tend to vote more left-wing, men have recently become much more right-wing and conservative. For example, English politician Nigel Farage, who helped organise the Brexit debacle, claims he belongs to the same movement as Andrew Tate. ‘
So men’s work suddenly seems to change from a wonderful way of making men freer, more open, more sensitive and more powerful, in mutual respect for women, into a regressive men’s movement, in which men have to be the old-fashioned macho and the hunter again. It seems we are moving back, both into the shot-through form of the ‘feminine’ woke movement and into the regressive men’s movement of Andrew Tate and consorts. Both are in danger of evolving into a one-size-fits-all, fixed, repressive and coercive image of manhood.
I hope we do not end up with the fear, on the one hand, that ‘being a man’ will soon be politically incorrect, but also that we do not end up with an old stereotypical image of man, in which we all have to beat our chests with bared torsos. Perhaps we will find a way that takes the heart as the starting point. That as a society we maintain an openness and respect for each person’s own form and content of masculinity, femininity and sexual identity. Not Woke or Tate, but a way in between.
Two major men’s festivals are taking place next summer: from 28 August to 1 September in Belgium and from 6 to 8 September in the Netherlands. Last year we attended the men’s festival in Belgium, this year the Freeman festival, where we will lead two workshops as a team.
- FREEMAN FESTIVAL NETHERLANDS: https://freemanfestival.nl/ (Theme: the king’s archtype)
- MANNENFESTIVAL BELGIE: https://mannenfestival.be/ (Theme: celebrating brotherhood)
- HEART OF MEN: www.heartofmen.one (the website also features podcasts, interviews, articles and music)
- HOW TO BECOME A SACRED WARRIOR? Online course of 5 zooms, by Eran and Ton, www.tonvanderkroon.com
- INTERNATIONAL MEN’S GATHERING SINAI, 27 Oct – 3 Nov www.tonvanderkroon.com
Ton van der Kroon is a pioneer of men’s work in the Netherlands and Belgium, author of 11 books, including ‘The Return of the King, the book for men in the 21st century’ (1996) He has been giving men’s workshops since 1990, in the Netherlands, Belgium, Israel and Gaza.
